Missing my dog.

I've been stuck on St. Croix for work since June 20th. We're installing new equipment in classrooms for the University of the Virgin islands. It's at least going well, and ahead of schedule. But even if we finish early, we don't fly out til the 9th.

And because noone else wanted to do it, I volunteered to go right back to do the other island, St. Thomas, two weeks after we get back. That'll be two more weeks.

I haven't seen my family in a long time. It's wearing down on me. 

Amanda put Teddy down. I'm still heartbroken that I wasn't able to be there when they did it. But he was having seizures again, and lost his hearing, and his vision was going.

I'll post a picture whenever I figure out how here. 

He looked so old and Grey, and beat up by allergies and chewing on himself constantly. But he was only 11 years old. He should have had a few years left. Amanda suspects whatever crap they are putting in dog food these days shortened his life span. 

We used to make his food, but then that became too unfeasible with limited storage on a boat. If we decide to get another dog someday, I think we should pay the expense for homemade food. Both Traffic and Teddy did much better on it. 

I tried to tell Michael over the phone that at least he had a good life with us. We kept him safe, fed, and noone else ever got to hurt him or beat him or run him over. He never got lost, or picked up by the pound wondering where we were. He stayed by our side and protected us. Now he can get some rest.

His ashes are already back, but with Amanda traveling and me traveling, I won't be able to pick him up for another week.

Being poor sucks. 

I found a little two story house in Kanazawa with a storefront for the first floor, and a few rooms upstairs. Beautiful location. Walking distance to a massive park, and a historic castle, and a bike ride away from the sea of Japan. It's nearly a perfect example of a dream house to live in, just no yard for chickens. 

So it's close. It's something to model the continuing search. 

I got my ticket to back to Japan on November 3rd for 10 days. I just want to go and stay at capsule hotels and walk around, exploring at my whim. I'm debating about taking the time to go to Kanazawa, and look at houses, but considering A.) I have no money, and B.) no job in Japan, yet.. Maybe it's best to just treat this as a much needed personal vacation to where I'm desperate to go home to. 

Still planning. I want to explore Tokyo for a day. Go back to Yokosuka, but stopping in Yokohama on the way and visiting China Town and the Gundam factory.

Then possibly taking a bullet train to Kyoto and Nara for a couple of days. 

I want to see Nikko, which I can do before I leave when I head back to Tokyo. 

Hopefully, I can reach out to Tokyo Explorer and see if we can get coffee or something. He's been a good dude. It'd be nice to meet him after these past couple of years. 

I probably would have time to go to Ishikawa or the Kanazawa area. 

I also want to cycle around Lake Kawaguchi, and maybe spread some of Teddy, and Calvin's ashes there if I can take them on the plane. 

I'd bring my dad's, but I need a death certificate and proof of cremation or something, and that's paperwork I will not be able to ask for. 

I might break and ask my sister to see if she can aquire it for me. 

I just feel no love from most of my family these days. Anyone not my wife and kids, at least. I'm leary about talking to anyone. I'm resentful and feel extremely used by my cousin. And my who dad's side of the family is just... selfish and gaslighting. I don't know why I'm surprised.

I'm getting fat. I noticed today. Maybe it's because I've been on the islands for almost two weeks, and haven't been walking literally every day like I usually do. 

So this morning, I did sit-ups, and I struggled to do 10 of them. Holy crap, I'm out of shape suddenly. Push-ups went better. 

I then walked down the road to see if I could get to the coast, but the road dead ends, so I turned around and it curves back up the hill. So the only way down is to take the road we drive up, and that's quite a trek to take on foot. I walked for a good 45 minutes, though and it was quite the sweaty workout as it was. So at least one day back on schedule for Fitness. 

I ate better today, also. Only one cup of coffee, no soda, mostly rice and shrimp one of the guy made for lunch. 

I miss Salmon rolls. 

When I get back, I plan to go to the Thai restaurant and get some. And a Sapporo beer. 

Then, if I get the next day off, go back to the park in the early morning, and then to Morikami Japanese Gardens and renew my membership. 

Gotta start planning on how to make some videos for my trip to Japan, and those two places will bookend my trip. 

Messed up, rather bad.

So at my job, I was given a gas card to fill up my personal car to offset the cost of getting to work and back, because I lived so far away.

And so I used it to fill up my car every time I drove anywhere. 

I used it once or twice to get lunch when I desperately out of cash and starving. Each time I offered to pay it back when I got paid, but she always gave my check back and said "don't worry about it."

So now, times are extremely tough. The boat is getting worse every day. Everyone is miserable. Fema is denying us constantly over, I don't even know what, but without them, we'll never get the boat fixed (well, never say never). I never have any money for lunch. So for the last two weeks, I've been using my gas card to eat, and get to work.

I got called into the office yesterday , and put on probation because I was not supposed to use the card that way. Big misunderstanding, and I feel like shit over it. I was knocking it out of the park lately, too. Just getting shit done.

Now I feel like I'm a terrible employee not long for this world. Again, a red headed step child compared to everyone else around me. 

We can't afford Florida.

I'm going to fill my car up using that card only once a week. I think we'll get by if I restrict it to that. 

Only I cut the card up so I wouldn't ever use it again. So... Lol, I guess. I don't want to make that mistake ever again. I didn't know I was basically stealing. I just figured they knew I was having a hard time and didn't say anything. But no, wishful thinking I guess. And I'm just so stupid.

I feel so bad, worthless. Couldn't sleep and felt like killing myself, again. I'm tired of that being the default feeling for when a situation gets tough with no clear solution.

I'm just keeping my head down and powering through. I felt like maybe they'll change their mind this morning and straight up fire me (the boss had tears in his eyes and said he felt like he was gut punched. I feel so bad making him feel that way. Never again. I'll make it up to him. I just don't know how, yet). But I survived today ok. It'll get easier.

I just don't know how much longer we can live here. Or where to go. Or how to even go anywhere else. 

I just want to do what's best for the family. But we have bills to pay too, and no solutions. And noone to lean on for support of any kind. 

Stealing Time

It has been two months since I wrote anything, and not because I've forgotten. It's been eating at me that I haven't written, especially since I'm concerned my memory is fading.

But I just have not been able to make any time to do so. I work long hours, and while the weekends would be ideal, if I'm at home, my wife loves to sneak a peak over my shoulder whenever I'm doing anything. It's annoying, and reminds me of my dad whenever I was on the computer how he'd just barge in. No fucking privacy to do anything back then. Even my sister noticed that one time she came to stay with us. He'd just barge in. 

The only time during the work week that I have is maybe a lunch break at work. But I often am not in the mood to write. Plus, lunch time is often a period for constant interruptions and endless phone notifications. 

I do manage to steal time almost every day to get a 45 minute to an hour walk at the park. Sometimes I'm able to get one in the morning on the way to work if I don't have to be there til 8 and if I can force myself out of bed at 5 to do so. But I am usually always able to walk in the evening before sunset.

Until the time changes, anyway. Around November the sun sets at 4pm.

Walks outside are the only respite I have where I can take a breather. 

So I'm stealing a bit of time to sit on a bench and write this. 

I have a steamed hams video I need to shoot one more scene for, and then get with Paul to ADR pretty much all of the dialogue since we rushed it. But had to. It was empty as Universal and there would probably never be another time when the location was as empty as it was then. Audio can be redone. 

I'm trying to plan a trip to Japan. 

Originally, I was just going to send myself for a week. All I want to do is walk and look around and eat occasionally. I just want to go home. 

But then I wanted to at least one time, experience being there with my wife. So then I decided to plan bringing her on our anniversary. 

But then her birthday is a week before our anniversary, so why not plan to include being there during that?

But then Michael's Birthday is in the middle of all of that, so bring him too. Can't leave Paul out, because that's not fair and he probably wants to go just as much as I do. 

So that $5000 in round-trip airfare alone.

During a cold month in February, that I'm sure she'll complain about the entire time. 

I don't know how to make this work. 

But going home to Japan is the only thing keeping me going right now. The only thing that gets me up every day. The goal to just make it back, even for a short time. 

We wanted to sail there. But the hurricane has destroyed the boat. And FEMA just keeps dicking us around, and even if they do give us something, I'm worried it'll be on the low end of what they'd pay out, and not enough to get us a new boat. 

Our situation sucks. No toilet, the water barely works anymore. Eveything on the boat is rotting. We're basically homeless. 

And the only way out is to probably move out for Florida. 

But where? 

The job I have here is great. They treat me well, and pay me well, and actually give me things to do. Unlike Black River just keeping me around for "something" while the narcissists make fun of me. 

I don't know where I want to go in the US to work elsewhere. I'm tired of this country. Things are getting worse. 

Maybe I could look into getting an abandoned Akiya home in Japan, and try to move my job there. 

That would be the dream anyway.

I should look into that possibility. Only thing is, I don't have a degree. 

I have certificates of completion from my trade school. Lots of years of experience and certifications. Maybe that will help?

Fitness and Armada

I am having a weird day.

I, hilariously, drank a shit ton of coffee today. In fact, as I write this at 7pm on sunday, I dont think I've had anything else to drink at all today. I know it's bad for me. 

Ugh. Gotta stop that. My anxiety has been off the wall. But just being aware of it has made all the difference in the world, compared to the old days.

Paul and I went to our Star Wars Amarda campaign today. Michael wanted to try it, so I made him a decent fleet. Our 4th rebel player hasn't shown up in weeks, so Micheal took his place. He said he had fun, but the game moves too slow for him and each match is long. So he got bored, and decided to bow out. I had completed my game, so I finished his round out for him. He didn't win, but didn't get destroyed either. His new fleet will help us during the pivotal. The guy he replaced had a really weak fleet. Michael's MC80 will definitely give us some more firepower, and his X-Wings and A-Wings with the Gr-75 and its bomber command center give my squads some added firepower and defense. I'm currently dominating the squad game out of everyone, thanks to Anakin and Ahsoka, but my Venator star destroyer isn't being so lucky this campaign. I win every other round. 

The girl behind the counter decided to take pictures of us all playing. I'm losing weight, but I'm still unhappy with how I look in photos. I need to amp up working out. Walking an hour a day at the park is enough to maintain my current physique (I think I look alright in the mirror, but photos, man... make me depressed). I need to try to add 30 minutes of cardio a day. I already go to the gym every morning to shower. It'll be difficult,  but I might as well budget my time to get up 30 minutes earlier to get the exercise bike or treadmill in. That might just be enough.  I don't eat that much sugar. Never have. And I drink coffee mostly black. I need to drink more water. 

I need to work in time to be creative. I'm tired of just consuming content. I want to make some. All I want is to sail my boat to Japan. I feel like, somehow, YouTube will help get me there. I just need to stop recording videos but never posting them, and just commit to whatever it is I have is what I have. Nobody is perfect. 

I guess I'm feeling upset. Not sure why or from what, but it's most likely from drinking coffee all day and now my brain chemistry just isn't compensating enough. I just don't feel very good. Yet still optimistic about maybe fixing our boat situation. Maybe. It's still a long road, getting from here to there, with everything we still need to happen with insurance and hopefully Fema to rectify that situation. But it looks better every other day.

Work is going fine. My pay gets better all the time, and I'm starting to get on top of our finances. I just need to start having a surplus to pay for things instead of just surviving paycheck to paycheck.

I'm worried about Paul and Michael having an education and being ready for the world. I don't know how to help them. I'm never home, except on weekends. 

I get up at 4 or 5 am every day, drive 2 hours to the office, then drive 2 hours into Miami. Work a 6 hour day, drive 2 hours back to the office, and then 2 hours home. Repeat.

I have no actual time to do anything. Except, consume content while driving. I can't do anything else except focus on driving.

Maybe I'm could talk to a camera while driving, but considering I'm very uncomfortable with my appearance on cameras right now, I don't think that would work for me.

Maybe I could just do video essay style stuff, record my voice (with car noises in the background). 

I just want my kids to be happy. They're going stir crazy and I have no idea how to make anything better for them.

Memory

I got access to my old Xanga blog last week. I hadn't written anything since right after I had gotten to Japan in 2005.

I am still processing many things from reading my old entries, but what has surprised me the most is how much I have forgotten since then. I am now quite certain I have memory issues.

Because what was most eye opening was that I seem to l have forgotten all of the things that would help me get over past traumas now... that's a clunky way to write this. How can I put it better?

Okay, so past traumas I'm currently still struggling to deal with occasionally when I get triggered... well, it seems a few of them I've already recieved whatever validation I need to heal or expressed myself in a satisfactory way to get it out in the open, almost 18 years ago. I mean, they are written down right there in my Xanga blog!

I don't seem to forget the actual trauma, apparently.

So, while it concerns me that my memory is possibly getting very bad, it was also very healing to read about things that I currently feel I wish I had gotten. Well, I had gotten them. So I've been feeling emotionally better. Letting go of animosities that I had already let go of and forgotten I had done so.

I'm now also pretty sure when the doctor said "you have a chemical imbalance, so it's not really something you need to talk out with a therapist," that he was wrong. Probably just trying to get me on medications (which never worked).

It's probably both. Amanda is right (as always), that it's a combination of diet and not dealing with past traumas that causes the chemical imbalance. I can't deny that I'm feeling better mentally when I eat right, and avoid caffeine.

Though I love coffee. Its hard to stay away from it. The Japanese coffees seem to agree with me more than any others. Maybe that's psychosomatic,  but I don't fet agitated or anxious after having one like I do just drinking the stuff at work or at home. The one at home makes me get angry. It sucks, so I've stopped drinking coffee on weekends at home.

But, I've decided to try blogging again, at least once a week, since one, I feel my memory is fading more and more. And two, it was very very therapeutic to read my past blog. I never thought much of it while I was writing it in the past, but now I recognize how important of a tool it can be for future me and his mental health. Assuming I still have any by then.