Stealing Time

It has been two months since I wrote anything, and not because I've forgotten. It's been eating at me that I haven't written, especially since I'm concerned my memory is fading.

But I just have not been able to make any time to do so. I work long hours, and while the weekends would be ideal, if I'm at home, my wife loves to sneak a peak over my shoulder whenever I'm doing anything. It's annoying, and reminds me of my dad whenever I was on the computer how he'd just barge in. No fucking privacy to do anything back then. Even my sister noticed that one time she came to stay with us. He'd just barge in. 

The only time during the work week that I have is maybe a lunch break at work. But I often am not in the mood to write. Plus, lunch time is often a period for constant interruptions and endless phone notifications. 

I do manage to steal time almost every day to get a 45 minute to an hour walk at the park. Sometimes I'm able to get one in the morning on the way to work if I don't have to be there til 8 and if I can force myself out of bed at 5 to do so. But I am usually always able to walk in the evening before sunset.

Until the time changes, anyway. Around November the sun sets at 4pm.

Walks outside are the only respite I have where I can take a breather. 

So I'm stealing a bit of time to sit on a bench and write this. 

I have a steamed hams video I need to shoot one more scene for, and then get with Paul to ADR pretty much all of the dialogue since we rushed it. But had to. It was empty as Universal and there would probably never be another time when the location was as empty as it was then. Audio can be redone. 

I'm trying to plan a trip to Japan. 

Originally, I was just going to send myself for a week. All I want to do is walk and look around and eat occasionally. I just want to go home. 

But then I wanted to at least one time, experience being there with my wife. So then I decided to plan bringing her on our anniversary. 

But then her birthday is a week before our anniversary, so why not plan to include being there during that?

But then Michael's Birthday is in the middle of all of that, so bring him too. Can't leave Paul out, because that's not fair and he probably wants to go just as much as I do. 

So that $5000 in round-trip airfare alone.

During a cold month in February, that I'm sure she'll complain about the entire time. 

I don't know how to make this work. 

But going home to Japan is the only thing keeping me going right now. The only thing that gets me up every day. The goal to just make it back, even for a short time. 

We wanted to sail there. But the hurricane has destroyed the boat. And FEMA just keeps dicking us around, and even if they do give us something, I'm worried it'll be on the low end of what they'd pay out, and not enough to get us a new boat. 

Our situation sucks. No toilet, the water barely works anymore. Eveything on the boat is rotting. We're basically homeless. 

And the only way out is to probably move out for Florida. 

But where? 

The job I have here is great. They treat me well, and pay me well, and actually give me things to do. Unlike Black River just keeping me around for "something" while the narcissists make fun of me. 

I don't know where I want to go in the US to work elsewhere. I'm tired of this country. Things are getting worse. 

Maybe I could look into getting an abandoned Akiya home in Japan, and try to move my job there. 

That would be the dream anyway.

I should look into that possibility. Only thing is, I don't have a degree. 

I have certificates of completion from my trade school. Lots of years of experience and certifications. Maybe that will help?

Fitness and Armada

I am having a weird day.

I, hilariously, drank a shit ton of coffee today. In fact, as I write this at 7pm on sunday, I dont think I've had anything else to drink at all today. I know it's bad for me. 

Ugh. Gotta stop that. My anxiety has been off the wall. But just being aware of it has made all the difference in the world, compared to the old days.

Paul and I went to our Star Wars Amarda campaign today. Michael wanted to try it, so I made him a decent fleet. Our 4th rebel player hasn't shown up in weeks, so Micheal took his place. He said he had fun, but the game moves too slow for him and each match is long. So he got bored, and decided to bow out. I had completed my game, so I finished his round out for him. He didn't win, but didn't get destroyed either. His new fleet will help us during the pivotal. The guy he replaced had a really weak fleet. Michael's MC80 will definitely give us some more firepower, and his X-Wings and A-Wings with the Gr-75 and its bomber command center give my squads some added firepower and defense. I'm currently dominating the squad game out of everyone, thanks to Anakin and Ahsoka, but my Venator star destroyer isn't being so lucky this campaign. I win every other round. 

The girl behind the counter decided to take pictures of us all playing. I'm losing weight, but I'm still unhappy with how I look in photos. I need to amp up working out. Walking an hour a day at the park is enough to maintain my current physique (I think I look alright in the mirror, but photos, man... make me depressed). I need to try to add 30 minutes of cardio a day. I already go to the gym every morning to shower. It'll be difficult,  but I might as well budget my time to get up 30 minutes earlier to get the exercise bike or treadmill in. That might just be enough.  I don't eat that much sugar. Never have. And I drink coffee mostly black. I need to drink more water. 

I need to work in time to be creative. I'm tired of just consuming content. I want to make some. All I want is to sail my boat to Japan. I feel like, somehow, YouTube will help get me there. I just need to stop recording videos but never posting them, and just commit to whatever it is I have is what I have. Nobody is perfect. 

I guess I'm feeling upset. Not sure why or from what, but it's most likely from drinking coffee all day and now my brain chemistry just isn't compensating enough. I just don't feel very good. Yet still optimistic about maybe fixing our boat situation. Maybe. It's still a long road, getting from here to there, with everything we still need to happen with insurance and hopefully Fema to rectify that situation. But it looks better every other day.

Work is going fine. My pay gets better all the time, and I'm starting to get on top of our finances. I just need to start having a surplus to pay for things instead of just surviving paycheck to paycheck.

I'm worried about Paul and Michael having an education and being ready for the world. I don't know how to help them. I'm never home, except on weekends. 

I get up at 4 or 5 am every day, drive 2 hours to the office, then drive 2 hours into Miami. Work a 6 hour day, drive 2 hours back to the office, and then 2 hours home. Repeat.

I have no actual time to do anything. Except, consume content while driving. I can't do anything else except focus on driving.

Maybe I'm could talk to a camera while driving, but considering I'm very uncomfortable with my appearance on cameras right now, I don't think that would work for me.

Maybe I could just do video essay style stuff, record my voice (with car noises in the background). 

I just want my kids to be happy. They're going stir crazy and I have no idea how to make anything better for them.

Memory

I got access to my old Xanga blog last week. I hadn't written anything since right after I had gotten to Japan in 2005.

I am still processing many things from reading my old entries, but what has surprised me the most is how much I have forgotten since then. I am now quite certain I have memory issues.

Because what was most eye opening was that I seem to l have forgotten all of the things that would help me get over past traumas now... that's a clunky way to write this. How can I put it better?

Okay, so past traumas I'm currently still struggling to deal with occasionally when I get triggered... well, it seems a few of them I've already recieved whatever validation I need to heal or expressed myself in a satisfactory way to get it out in the open, almost 18 years ago. I mean, they are written down right there in my Xanga blog!

I don't seem to forget the actual trauma, apparently.

So, while it concerns me that my memory is possibly getting very bad, it was also very healing to read about things that I currently feel I wish I had gotten. Well, I had gotten them. So I've been feeling emotionally better. Letting go of animosities that I had already let go of and forgotten I had done so.

I'm now also pretty sure when the doctor said "you have a chemical imbalance, so it's not really something you need to talk out with a therapist," that he was wrong. Probably just trying to get me on medications (which never worked).

It's probably both. Amanda is right (as always), that it's a combination of diet and not dealing with past traumas that causes the chemical imbalance. I can't deny that I'm feeling better mentally when I eat right, and avoid caffeine.

Though I love coffee. Its hard to stay away from it. The Japanese coffees seem to agree with me more than any others. Maybe that's psychosomatic,  but I don't fet agitated or anxious after having one like I do just drinking the stuff at work or at home. The one at home makes me get angry. It sucks, so I've stopped drinking coffee on weekends at home.

But, I've decided to try blogging again, at least once a week, since one, I feel my memory is fading more and more. And two, it was very very therapeutic to read my past blog. I never thought much of it while I was writing it in the past, but now I recognize how important of a tool it can be for future me and his mental health. Assuming I still have any by then.