Memory

I got access to my old Xanga blog last week. I hadn't written anything since right after I had gotten to Japan in 2005.

I am still processing many things from reading my old entries, but what has surprised me the most is how much I have forgotten since then. I am now quite certain I have memory issues.

Because what was most eye opening was that I seem to l have forgotten all of the things that would help me get over past traumas now... that's a clunky way to write this. How can I put it better?

Okay, so past traumas I'm currently still struggling to deal with occasionally when I get triggered... well, it seems a few of them I've already recieved whatever validation I need to heal or expressed myself in a satisfactory way to get it out in the open, almost 18 years ago. I mean, they are written down right there in my Xanga blog!

I don't seem to forget the actual trauma, apparently.

So, while it concerns me that my memory is possibly getting very bad, it was also very healing to read about things that I currently feel I wish I had gotten. Well, I had gotten them. So I've been feeling emotionally better. Letting go of animosities that I had already let go of and forgotten I had done so.

I'm now also pretty sure when the doctor said "you have a chemical imbalance, so it's not really something you need to talk out with a therapist," that he was wrong. Probably just trying to get me on medications (which never worked).

It's probably both. Amanda is right (as always), that it's a combination of diet and not dealing with past traumas that causes the chemical imbalance. I can't deny that I'm feeling better mentally when I eat right, and avoid caffeine.

Though I love coffee. Its hard to stay away from it. The Japanese coffees seem to agree with me more than any others. Maybe that's psychosomatic,  but I don't fet agitated or anxious after having one like I do just drinking the stuff at work or at home. The one at home makes me get angry. It sucks, so I've stopped drinking coffee on weekends at home.

But, I've decided to try blogging again, at least once a week, since one, I feel my memory is fading more and more. And two, it was very very therapeutic to read my past blog. I never thought much of it while I was writing it in the past, but now I recognize how important of a tool it can be for future me and his mental health. Assuming I still have any by then.