Messed up, rather bad.

So at my job, I was given a gas card to fill up my personal car to offset the cost of getting to work and back, because I lived so far away.

And so I used it to fill up my car every time I drove anywhere. 

I used it once or twice to get lunch when I desperately out of cash and starving. Each time I offered to pay it back when I got paid, but she always gave my check back and said "don't worry about it."

So now, times are extremely tough. The boat is getting worse every day. Everyone is miserable. Fema is denying us constantly over, I don't even know what, but without them, we'll never get the boat fixed (well, never say never). I never have any money for lunch. So for the last two weeks, I've been using my gas card to eat, and get to work.

I got called into the office yesterday , and put on probation because I was not supposed to use the card that way. Big misunderstanding, and I feel like shit over it. I was knocking it out of the park lately, too. Just getting shit done.

Now I feel like I'm a terrible employee not long for this world. Again, a red headed step child compared to everyone else around me. 

We can't afford Florida.

I'm going to fill my car up using that card only once a week. I think we'll get by if I restrict it to that. 

Only I cut the card up so I wouldn't ever use it again. So... Lol, I guess. I don't want to make that mistake ever again. I didn't know I was basically stealing. I just figured they knew I was having a hard time and didn't say anything. But no, wishful thinking I guess. And I'm just so stupid.

I feel so bad, worthless. Couldn't sleep and felt like killing myself, again. I'm tired of that being the default feeling for when a situation gets tough with no clear solution.

I'm just keeping my head down and powering through. I felt like maybe they'll change their mind this morning and straight up fire me (the boss had tears in his eyes and said he felt like he was gut punched. I feel so bad making him feel that way. Never again. I'll make it up to him. I just don't know how, yet). But I survived today ok. It'll get easier.

I just don't know how much longer we can live here. Or where to go. Or how to even go anywhere else. 

I just want to do what's best for the family. But we have bills to pay too, and no solutions. And noone to lean on for support of any kind.